So Real

Just to touch the success
'Cause I'm thinking I'm worthy
But darling you're nothing

Sorry, I was without internet for a while.

My parents still don't want me, well Donna doesn't. She's a bitch and a bullshitter. She gave me a birthday card, it was obvious she was the only one who'd written in it even though she signed everyone elses names. At the bottom she put "Remember you are loved very much". I'm thinking of writing "YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT" in nikko pen and sending it back. I need to buy envelopes and stamps. She was talking to me on the phone a little while back, she said some rather nasty things, I told her I wouldn't go to her funeral and that I hope it's soon. She brings out the worst in me.
Bruce isn't interested in knowing me anymore. That hurts a bit.
I wish Len would stand up for himself and not just go along with everything Donna says and does, I can tell he disagrees but he's too much of a coward to do anything.

I've read two books in the past week. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath and Over Qualified - Joe Comeau I liked them both.

I've been pretty sick again lately, Glandular Fever again. I'm getting pretty sick of it. My left knee has been playing up a bit lately, it's fair annoying. I'm now on prescription pain killers, they're not working very well.

I feel like I'm lying to my counsellor. Everytime I go see her I talk in a happy upbeat voice and speak lightly of things. My left wrist is cut to oblivion, I'm going to buy a cuff to hide it until it's healed up. I think I have to be happy and upbeat for my counsellor, if she suspects depression I'm straight to the Mental Health Unit and I don't want that.

Josh isn't talking to me much anymore, I think I may have done something to offend him or something, I'm not really sure.

Todd's being weird. I don't like it.

I'm getting pretty close to Leigh again, I like that. He's a really good friend, he always manages to cheer me up and gives good hugs.

Freddy's talking to me again, fair sure he likes me...again, I'm not sure what to do about that.

I miss Jayden a bit, I need to organise to catch up with him. He's gorgeous, I just want to pack him up and take him with me everywhere.

I need to catch up with Cameron aswell, I miss his humour.

I also miss Bianca, alot. I need to catch up with her, preferably soon.

I'd like to see Racene sometime again soon, she's good at cheering me up.

When I've got a bit of money together I'm gonna go to Brisbane and see Sam and Riley. I miss them both, Sam more than Riley. She sent me Poptarts so I sent her a Bundaberg postcard and buttons.
I wish I could hug her and make everything okay for her.

It's my birthday on Sunday. It's gonna be shit, I can tell. The worst part will be not hearing from Uncle Andrew, he's my favorite uncle. I'd call him but I don't have his number.
It's also Fathers Day on Sunday. The one day that's meant to be about me and it's not.
Mari's birthday is on Sunday aswell. I think she's turning 14? Maybe 15? I'm not exactly sure. I'd like to hug her and make everything good for her too.

Here at the house I get along best with Peter. Lois has too many mood swings. From the outside it probably looks like I get along best with Maddi but she's an attention seeker of the worst kind. She come home from school the other day with scratches, barely opening the skin and she told me she cut herself. She also told Lois. At dinner that night she was practically bragging about how when she told her friends they all gave her lectures. It's pathetic.
I want to punch her in the nose.

I feel like crying all the time.

TAFE is pretty alright. I make Nathan laugh alot, I'm suprised we haven't gotten in trouble but she only ever catches Nathan cracking up laughing she never catches my stupid comments. There's a new kid in class, his names Zane and he's 16. That makes four of us under the age of 20.

I was watching television with Peter the other day, there was a cute guy on and I said he was too skinny for me. Peter laughed. I don't like it when guys are skinnier than me.
I wish I was still skinny.

I walked to the beach the other day. I'd slept for 20 hours and had to do something. I sat down on the beach for a little bit. When I stood up and turned around there was a Red-Belly-Black-Snake not even 30cms away from me. I would've screamed but I was too frozen in shock.
There was also a guy on the beach running around telling his dog to stay, he kept looking at me.

I want to get out of this house, if only for a night I just want to stay at a friends place. Or even in a hotel. Just somewhere else for a night.

The Undertaker is back on SmackDown. I've missed him, I'd really like to meet him and give him a hug.

I'm getting some rather pathetic messages on Myspace truthbox. One saying that they know me better than I think and it's know wonder Adam broke up with me and slept with them. It's sad because if they did infact know me then they'd know I don't give a shit about him anymore and haven't for ages now. I don't understand why people think anonymous insults would hurt me. Another is threatening to smash me. I'm not scared of someone who's too scared to reveal their identity.

I wish more people would hug me but they don't because they know me as not being affectionate.

My throat really hurts and I need to get up and put the fan on.

This post is really all over the place.

Sorry for not commenting.

It's the 4th today. One year since my first knee surgery.