So Real

Come on, open your eyes and see.
Now get up, get up and follow me.
And I'm gonna show you what your future will be.
Too much wasted time you're gonna waste no more.


Hey, I meant to write this post earlier today but I just never got around to it.
And there's a few thing I need to update you all on, I'm sure you's aren't interested I just want to write it all down and shit.

Sunday Night 15th March
Me and Bianca had a fight. I was in a bit of a bad mood and I was half annoyed at her but I didn't really want to talk about it. After a few mean things were said she told me that I either tell her what was wrong or we weren't friends anymore. That was the ultimatum I mentioned last post. Before she logged off she told me she was going to buy credit the next day and text me for my answer.

Monday 16th March
I was in a horrible mood from fighting with Bianca the night before and I was on edge waiting for her text. Adam came over that day and I still feel absolutely horrible for the way I treated him. At one stage I was trying to give him a helpful suggestion, it was in no way criticism. I was just telling him that I thought he might have to apply for a driving hours extension because he's meant to go onto his P plates at the end of the month. (For those not familiar with Qld road rules. You start off on L plates and have to do 100 hours driving in the space of a year unless you apply for an extension. After that you have to pass a test and you go onto your green P plates, you have them for a certain amount of time then you go onto red P plates and after that is an open liscence, or no plates.) And he just shut me down straight away, didn't consider for a second that I might be right and that hurt. And then later there was a disagreement that involved me yelling and almost breaking some things, and I will admit that that was both our faults.
I didn't get a text from Bianca.

Tuesday 17th March
I don't remember what I did that day.
At one stage me and Bianca were online at the same time and she didn't talk to me. She sent me a myspace photo comment that said "I love you" but I didn't know if that was an apology or what. I wasn't going to be the one to start the conversation, as far as I can see I'm not in the wrong with any of that.
Still no text.

Wednesday 18th March
I had Tom Quinn. It wasn't bad. I picked up a lunch, not planning to eat it but just to see what it was. It was beef casserole with a tortilla. It didn't look very appetizing. I was also sitting at a table by myself when the two IT (computer) guys came and sat with me. I'm fair sure they're both in their teens, and they were so nice. They just talked to me and shit so it was pretty cool.
Also just before lunch that day a girl I hadn't seen before but she had been in the course before me turned up. The girls in the course are Me, Krystal, Sarah, Stephanie and now Azza. When she came Sarah went off and stormed out of the room.
After lunch was when the shit really hit the fan. Azza didn't know what she'd done to Sarah and either noone knew or noone would tell her. In the end this happened,
Azza: You wanna fuckin' fight me then fight me!
Sarah: I'll fucking slit your throat if your not fucking careful you motherfucking blonde lesbian slut.
I don't know what happened after that, as far as I know they're both alive.
Still no text from Bianca but yet again she was online at the same time as me.

Thursday 19th March
Went to Tom Quinn. Azza was there but Sarah wasn't and noone knew where she was.
I also accidentally picked up a stalker. Let me explain. There's this guy in the course I'm in, Justin and he seemed nice enough so I was like okay why not be his friend then. So I gave him my mobile number when he asked for it, from then on he didn't stop texting me even though I didn't reply.
I also went late night with Adam, just to Hinkler and Freddy was there. He was starting to really annoy me though because I was ignoring him but he just kept continuously walking past where me and Adam were sitting and at one stage stood right behind me. So yea, that annoyed me a fair bit.
Finally got a text from Bianca. I then decided since she made me wait four days I was going to make her wait four days unless she started a conversation on msn because it would be just plain rude to ignore her. The text didn't even seem like an apology either.

Friday 20th March
Went to Tom Quinn, both Azza and Sarah were there. Sarah was giving Azza evil eyes all day and even had Stephanie giving her evil eyes, I think Stephanie wants to be like Sarah so she goes along with everything she does. Nothing exciting happened that day.
After I got home I got a phone call from King Kong Sales, it's a shop basically like a little knick knacks shop. I was told I had a job interview on Monday and if it went well then I'd do a bit of a job trial afterwards.
Bianca talked to me on msn that night. I didn't really get a proper apology, like she said sorry for 'not helping' considering I never asked her to help and when I asked if I was going to get an apology for the number of times she'd snapped my head off for no reason she said sorry but with a question mark on the end, so I wasn't sure whether to consider that an apology or not.
She also invited me over to her place for a weekend when I'm free, that shocked my toes off. I've only ever been invited to her place once all the other times she's just invited herself over to my place. I considered telling her that weekend and then not telling her I wasn't coming but that's just too mean. I'm not sure if I want to stay over her place either because she has snapped my head off a bit lately and Friday night it seemed like she was forcing herself not to so then I wonder if I went over her place and said something she didn't like if she would physically snap my head off. I don't know.

Saturday and Sunday 21st and 22nd March
Spent the weekend with Adam. He came over my place on Saturday and I went over his on Sunday.

Monday 23rd March
I had my job interview at 9.30AM so mom drove me into town at around 9ish.
The interview went well, the boss Shari is really nice. I did the job trial until 11AM, I think it went well. It was pretty fun. Shari said she'd ring me Wednesday to let me know if I got the job because they still had one more person to interview.
Adam went off at me a bit, he was in a bad mood.
I also got a phonecall from Wide Bay TAFE, I'd applied for a 12 month office traineeship there and they've given me an interview on Thursday so I'll have to miss Tom Quinn that day.

Tuesday 24th March (today)
Hasn't been a good day for me.
I woke up still upset about Adam. He was in an even worse mood today, he may aswell have snapped my head off and crushed it into pieces.
He also told me he'd been thinking about suicide and that worried me, alot.
First time I tried to ring his house the phone was engaged.
Second, third and fourth time nobody answered, I also tried to ring his mobile.
This scared me and I jumped to the worst conclusions like he'd done something stupid and when I first rang their phone was engaged because someone was ringing an ambulance and when noone answered the next times that nobody was home because they were at the hospital.
Nothing of the sort happened.
I don't what he did tonight but he sent me a text, so he's okay I think. I think he might be ringing me tomorrow but I don't really know.


Lastly is something I've been meaning to mention for awhile.
Remember way back end of 2007 when I was anorexic.
Well, I don't think I've ever actually recovered or beaten it.
I'm so unhappy with my appearance that it makes me cry.
I look at the super models that most people say are disgustingly thin and wish I was that thin.
I've started exercising again, and when I can I'm cutting back to one meal a day, though some days I'll have to have two so mom doesn't get suspicious.
I've told Adam, but I don't think he really cares. He hasn't said anything and he's actually encouraged me to do exercise when I told him I was starting again.
I'd go back to bulimia aswell but that's too easily noticed.

Hope you's are all well.
x