So Real

Hasn't been anything like it since the 1930's.

Fucking hate my life. Everything just always has to go to fucking shit.
I fail at fucking everything.

Gonna go kill some fucking babies.

Zoe. I remember how we were best friends starting from kindergarten, and they could never get us to nap so we had to be seperated. I remember trying to escape from preschool and not being caught until we were down the road. I remember being excited because we were going to the same primary school. I remember spending every weekend with you going between my house and yours. I remember playing hairdressers and Pop-Up Pirate. I remember that time we collected lizards but my mum said we had to get rid of them. I remember how you made new friends and you didn't have as much time for me. I remember starting high school and you didn't want to be seen with me at school. I remember changing school and you didn't want to be seen with me on the bus.

Katelyn. I remember begging to join a dance school and when I finally got to when I was 5 years old you were there and we became as close as sisters. I remember going on holidays with you, talking about the mean girls, laughing at stupid jokes. I remember the first time you straightened my hair and you burnt my forehead, instead of apologising you cracked up laughing. I remember how we sometimes wore matching skirts or shoes but never tops because that'd look silly. And then I quit dancing and I became nothing to you.

Emma L. I remember doing the ballet dance when I was 6 and you were 7. I was a flower and you were a fairy. I remember the genie dance where we had the itchy pants and the silly hat. I remember the jazz group with the muffin hats and vinyl pants. I remember the Vacation dance where my shorts matched your skirt and we thought that was really cool. I remember how you were my favourite friend. I also remember how you believed all the rumours and now you refuse to even acknowledge my existance.

Sharna. I remember how in grade 1 I had a new best friend, we hugged at the end of every day, until grade 6 when the new girl came and you prefered her over me. I remember riding bikes with you and how we went to that creek. I remember you're grade 7 sleepover party and we all walked to the corner store with barefeet and in our pyjamas.

Jemma. I remember how you were the other new girl and everyone wanted to be your friend but we became best friends in a week. We spent nearly every afternoon together and every weekend we went to the park. I remember those afternoons we spent jumping on my trampoline, playing silly tennis and bike riding. I remember how we used to tell eachother everything and had absolutely no secrets. I remember big dog, little dog and how much that made us laugh. I remember "I can smell Monty" and that look I gave you. I remember how we started high school and you soon forgot about me. I remember how I got those death threats at the end of grade 9 and you dismissed them like they were nothing. I remember only being your friend when you had noone else.

Riley. I remember that dance competition in grade 6 when mum wanted to include you in the photo of us girls and you stood as far away as you could whilst still being in the photo. I remember how horrified you were with the new boys who joined dancing because they were both creepy. I remember when I fell over in acro and we both cracked up laughing but only you got in trouble. I remember putting signs on the doors to 'my room' at your house. I remember the fake modelling photos from when we were making fun of that other girl. I remember the burping competition on the trampoline. I remember mucking around at eisteddfods with you. I remember watching Rocky Horror Picture Show with you. I remember all those hot chocolates in the winters and the milo that was half powder half milk. I remember all those times we've laughed until I cried and then laughing even more. I remember how much it sucked when you moved and how much it sucks everytime you have to leave again.

Bianca. I remember meeting you because Danni was introducing me to another girl with a crush on the same guy as me. We barely talked grade 8 but grade 9 we were instant best friends. I remember those JIT lessons, pretending the computer mice were walkie talkies. I remember sneaking out of those beauty lessons and sitting outside the office. I remember grade 10 english where we giggled non-stop in classes and skipped detention. I remember going 4WDing and getting so sunburnt. I remember going to the beach in Winter and taking a towel for a blanket and eating ice cream. I remember watching the mens volleyball from the Olympics and giggling when they slapped eachother on the arse. I remember loving you like family. I remember the big fight we had and how it left the biggest hole in my heart. I'll never forget how you were there for me instantly after you found out I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. I remember eating cake at the park. I remember going to that terrible Undercover Wear party and skipping out early. I remember watching The Notebook with you and crying.

Samantha. I remember adding you on facebook for no reason. I remember you recognising me before recognising Jemma and in that moment loving you. I remember making up cool stories for our scars. I remember skipping school on my birthday with you. I remember sitting at the table and wondering what it'd be like to get our heads stuck between the bars and laughing like maniacs. I remember going latenight with you every week without fail. I remember walking everywhere with you. I remember going to see 30 Days Of Night with you and how you actually got scared. I remember staying at your house for days on end. I remember how I saved you and you saved me. I remember sharing a single bed with you because we were too lazy to move the mattress. I remember you being one of the most loyal friends I ever had.

Sam. I remember reading your blog and thinking you seemed alright. I remember talking to you more and discovering how similar we were. I remember going through almost everything with you. I remember meeting you that first time and being so nervous but having one of the best times. I remember the pineapple lolliepop you sent me in 2007. I remember texting you in class and having to stop myself from bursting out laughing. I remember watching countless tv shows together. I remember when I was absolutely terrified of what was happening with my life and you emailed me every chance you had. I remember you coming to see me in hospital and I fell asleep on you, when I woke up you told me you were day dreaming about penguins. I remember watching Finding Nemo with you and how my phone had reception but yours didn't. I remember how you saved me but I just couldn't save you.

I've had 9 best friends. I only have one of them still. I had atleast one fight with all of them.
So many memories that I'll never forget.

He likes Erin.
Ofcourse he does.
She's beautiful, nice, funny, everything I'm not.
Fuck this.
Why am I not over him?
Why is he over me so quickly?
I guess he didn't really like me to start off with.
Which is understandable because who would like me?
Nobody is who.

I need to get over him but I don't know how.

I've kept it, just incase.


You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

He broke up with me.
Ofcourse he did.
I was stupid not to see it coming.
Who would want to be with me?
I'm a mess.
A project.
Something that takes time and effort.
Who would want to invest in me?
Nobody.
That's becoming quite clear.

I'm falling apart over something that didn't even last a week.

I liked him so much that this actually hurts.
Pain in my chest and stomach. I'm shaking. I feel so empty.
I haven't felt so wrecked over a boy since Adam and that didn't even hurt this much.
Why?

It's almost like I have nothing.

A best friend that I can't apologise to. Meaning she's not my best friend.
Another best friend who has replaced me.
I seem to have completely fallen for a guy that doesn't want me.

I have Riley. But right now he may aswell be a million miles away.

I have nothing and I need something so bad.

Birthday tomorrow.
18
Fuck that.

I don't even know.


I've pushed my best friend away so much that she may aswell be on the other side of the universe.
Someone needs to say sorry.
I can't make myself say it.
Hah, some adult I'm going to make.

Fallen for the completely wrong guy.
He doesn't like me he's just stringing me along.
It's so obvious and yet I can't stop the way I feel about him.
The way he makes me feel.
The way it feels when we're together.
He let me have sex with my socks on because I was cold.

I wish I could just suck it up and take the pills.